A Funny Thing Happened on the Way to the Hospital...

Okay, so I hate to post about politics and moral issues, leave without posting for a long time and then come back telling bad stories about the misadventures with my health....but maybe those of you who know me will appreciate this story. I'm sure you can totally picture this happening to me:

One upon a time, not so very long ago (4:00 this afternoon to be exact), my heart decided to march to the beat of it's own drum (yet again!) and I wound up having to call 911 (yet again). A firetruck arrived first, on my little cul-de-sac, with an ambulance close behind. All of my neighbors' noses were pressed eagerly to their front doors (the adults with worried looks, the kids with excited ones)....and I was carted away on a stretcher, surrounded by all of the pomp and circumstance of two ambulance attendants and three firemen. Hooray for me! We hurried into the ambulance and one guy plastered leads all over my chest and jabbed a giant IV into my arm as the other flew down the road. I felt about three shakes of a lamb's tail away from from a heart attack or cardiac arrest or I-don't-know-what, when "it" hit me:

I had to pee. BAD! Here's how it went from there:

Me: Oh crap...Phil, I have really, REALLY got to go to the bathroom...

Phil: (looking nervous and embarrassed, fiddling wit the EKG machine)) "Ummmmmmm...do you think you can hold it for 10 more minutes?" (now looking hopeful)

Me: "Yeah right! I don't think I can make it one more minute!" (Shooting down the street, strapped to a stretcher)

Phil: (still nervous) "Hang on...." (Goes to consult with driver in whispers, then returning to me, he says) "Okay, you have two options...You can either go in a bed pan in here.....(blush, blush) or we can sneak you into a gas station bathroom."

Me: "Whichever...Just hurry!" (I had downed a huge amount of ice water before calling 911 to try to stop the SVT and it hit me all at once--I would have peed into just about anything if they'd told me to at that point.)

Phil goes back to whisper with Dave for a while (my fingers--and legs!--crossed) before I see that we're pulling into a BP station. (Praise the Lord!) Phil unstrapped me, made me swear I'd never tell anyone he let me do this (snicker, snicker) and then let me run into the disgusting outdoor bathroom before I could embarrass myself further. My giant IV was firmly in place and I was BAREFOOT to boot (I kid you not--Andy forgot to bring my shoes when I asked him to!) I hovered oh-so-carefully over the toilet, gagging at the thought of what was probably on the bottoms of my feet by then (not yet thinking about what would soon be on my feet in the doubly nasty hospital bathroom...gag, retch), finished my bid-ness, and darted back out to the ambulance while twenty people stared at us blankly. The three of us were cracking up...but the party had to end sometime, so we hopped back in our phat ride and drove to the hospital. Like a true (crazy) blogger, I so wish I'd thought to bring a camera with me! ;o)

After hours and hours and HOURS of waiting in the hospital hallway, I finally got to see a doctor. Even though they missed the major episode of palpitations, he did see a little thing that was "off" on my EKG that might signify an electrical problem with my heart (super DUPER!), but my blood work looked better than it did on Sunday (when I was ALSO in the dang hospital!!) so that's something positive. I have been having the same problem since I've been home, so you guys remember to pray for me (pretty please, with a cherry on top?? :oD *batting eyelashes*).

Alright, that's enough for the evening. I am going to go Lysol my feet and burn my socks...Bleehhhhhhh!