Wednesday, November 21, 2007
I've got it BAD!
You GUYS! I am having total baby fever this week! I am not kidding. We took down Landon's crib over the weekend, and even though we never really used it, I sat there on the floor in the most pitiful way, each piece being marched steadily past me and into a storage closet. I can't explain it, but it was like the last sign of there having been a baby in our house was gone. I hadn't really thought about it much until that moment, but I DO NOT HAVE A BABY ANYMORE....Landon talks, he uses the potty, he feeds himself---no more breastfeeding, no more night-waking...How did this happen?!
I remember, not so long ago, running my finger across the little tuft of barely-there newborn hair on his tiny head, wondering how Andy and I would ever be able to get such a helpless child (alive and in tact, let alone happy and smart!) to the age he is now. And--POOF!--Here we are...In the blink of an eye. My baby isn't a baby. The pictures of him on our walls still boast the delicious little baby-fat rolls and irresistible toothless grins we were so used to, but those have long since disappeared. Even though these things are gone, in their place I have something I cherish equally as much: my precious little boy, abundant energy, corny knock-knock jokes, loud dinosaur impressions and all. I have only traded in the slobbery kisses for dirt-covered ones, right? I have only given up the adoring coos of an infant for the real "I love you" that I now hear from the same little rosebud lips...I have lost nothing and gained everything, and yet somehow it feels like there is a huge void. I'm missing my BABY...
I know some of you who have more than one child (or who have children older than mine) are probably giggling at me right now, reminiscing about the good ole days when you felt this very same way, sad for my distress, but confident I'll cross that bridge eventually, right? I know it will be alright...I'm just having a very hard time. I bet the next thing you're wondering is why I don't just go and have another baby if I miss it so badly? I wish it were that simple for me. I love Landon enough to have ten of him! But, as many of you already know (and are probably sick of hearing), I had a really tough pregnancy with Landon (tough on both of us) and I have been struggling through some really "fun" health issues since his birth in 2005...And though I've always known I wanted to have more than one child, I'm stuck in this terrible place right now, wondering how and when that child (those children) might come to be, unable to commit to a solid decision. After two and a half YEARS of worrying about whether or not I should try to get pregnant or adopt...two and a half years of worrying that I'll be sick again and not be able to be a good mother...worrying about miscarriages and the possibility of suffering with post-partum depression again, it's hard for me to remember that these are things EVERY woman has to think about to some extent while planning a family.
That's just life, right? I want to be able to give my son the sibling he already talks about so lovingly. I want to be able to give up my ridiculous false sense of control. I want to just have faith and trust that God will handle the details. Beyond wanting to, I NEED to. (...Sigh...) Maybe that would make a good New Year's Resolution? Anyways, looking at pictures of Landen and Amelia , Aidan and Brennan, Jack and Sophie & Elaina and Zachary this week has really made me wish I was where so many of you guys already are. You're children are wonderful, your parenting unmatched. I feel so lucky to know all of the moms I have the pleasure of snooping on via blogs each day and if any of you have any advice to bestow on a poor, pathetic worrier....Have at it!