Wednesday, November 21, 2007

I've got it BAD!

You GUYS! I am having total baby fever this week! I am not kidding. We took down Landon's crib over the weekend, and even though we never really used it, I sat there on the floor in the most pitiful way, each piece being marched steadily past me and into a storage closet. I can't explain it, but it was like the last sign of there having been a baby in our house was gone. I hadn't really thought about it much until that moment, but I DO NOT HAVE A BABY ANYMORE....Landon talks, he uses the potty, he feeds himself---no more breastfeeding, no more night-waking...How did this happen?!
I remember, not so long ago, running my finger across the little tuft of barely-there newborn hair on his tiny head, wondering how Andy and I would ever be able to get such a helpless child (alive and in tact, let alone happy and smart!) to the age he is now. And--POOF!--Here we are...In the blink of an eye. My baby isn't a baby. The pictures of him on our walls still boast the delicious little baby-fat rolls and irresistible toothless grins we were so used to, but those have long since disappeared. Even though these things are gone, in their place I have something I cherish equally as much: my precious little boy, abundant energy, corny knock-knock jokes, loud dinosaur impressions and all. I have only traded in the slobbery kisses for dirt-covered ones, right? I have only given up the adoring coos of an infant for the real "I love you" that I now hear from the same little rosebud lips...I have lost nothing and gained everything, and yet somehow it feels like there is a huge void. I'm missing my BABY...
I know some of you who have more than one child (or who have children older than mine) are probably giggling at me right now, reminiscing about the good ole days when you felt this very same way, sad for my distress, but confident I'll cross that bridge eventually, right? I know it will be alright...I'm just having a very hard time. I bet the next thing you're wondering is why I don't just go and have another baby if I miss it so badly? I wish it were that simple for me. I love Landon enough to have ten of him! But, as many of you already know (and are probably sick of hearing), I had a really tough pregnancy with Landon (tough on both of us) and I have been struggling through some really "fun" health issues since his birth in 2005...And though I've always known I wanted to have more than one child, I'm stuck in this terrible place right now, wondering how and when that child (those children) might come to be, unable to commit to a solid decision. After two and a half YEARS of worrying about whether or not I should try to get pregnant or adopt...two and a half years of worrying that I'll be sick again and not be able to be a good mother...worrying about miscarriages and the possibility of suffering with post-partum depression again, it's hard for me to remember that these are things EVERY woman has to think about to some extent while planning a family.
That's just life, right? I want to be able to give my son the sibling he already talks about so lovingly. I want to be able to give up my ridiculous false sense of control. I want to just have faith and trust that God will handle the details. Beyond wanting to, I NEED to. (...Sigh...) Maybe that would make a good New Year's Resolution? Anyways, looking at pictures of Landen and Amelia , Aidan and Brennan, Jack and Sophie & Elaina and Zachary this week has really made me wish I was where so many of you guys already are. You're children are wonderful, your parenting unmatched. I feel so lucky to know all of the moms I have the pleasure of snooping on via blogs each day and if any of you have any advice to bestow on a poor, pathetic worrier....Have at it!


Sharon said...

Hugs to you, Jen.
Just keep in mind-each pregnancy/child is different. Just because Landon's pregnancy was difficult, does NOT mean the next one will be. I know it's scary. I had so much anxiety while pregnant w/ Brennan, because of losing our baby the pregnancy before. (which was 2nd trimester,when things were supposed to be "safe")

If you feel it in your heart, maybe just go w/ the flow and allow nature to take its course.
Gosh, that sounded better and more sympathetic in my head. Sorry.

I know I am biased. I have been lucky enough to meet Landon irl, and I would love to meet another little Granger-Pfaffl combo one day. ;)

Stacey said...

Doooonnn'ttt dooooo iiiitttt!!!!

(Sorry. I need someone else to lean on for that "my pregnancy sucked and childbirth sucked and the post-pregnancy time sucked so I totally don't want to do it again" support. If I can't point to someone else and say "they did it!" everybody's going to stay on my case to do it again... is they trippin'?)

Stacey said...

By the way, DANG your kid is adorable!!!!

Andrea said...

Jenn -

I know we have talked about this a lot. There is nothing like giving your child a sibling (in my opinion). He's such a cutie. That last picture - WOW - he looks so grown up. A lot older than my Landen. BTW - how did you get him potty trained?

Each pregnancy and birth is different. You know so much more than you knew before. Things can be different. You know me though - miss all natural birth, no drugs, homebirthing, waterbirthing. lol!

It is hard to just let go of your control and give it to God. I deal with this a lot. I have this fear after having the miscaraige when I was supposed to be past that 'safe' point. Just as Sharon said above. =) I think that now, and when I was pregnant with Amelia. I just have to realize that God has a plan for all of us. It's a struggle! Prayers for you.

Sharon said...

LOL @ Stacey! I DO understand, but just speaking from experience. I know the nerves of a pregnancy following a loss, and a difficult pregnancy, too. (I was hospitalized twice w/ Brennan's) Post-partum w/ Aidan was beyond bad. (PPD plus colic...yea)
Anyway, despite all of that, I am SO GLAD we did it. I seriously can't express how much joy it is w/ another baby here. And more than that, how awesome it is watching Aidan with Brennan. ;)

Just call me devil's advocate.

sunday said...

i am a blog snooper. i am sure you don't mind. kelly gave me the address of your blog. i just have to comment, let you know that you sound like such a wonderful mom and you have totally embraced parenting. you will make the right choice.

Nancy...Soon to be FAMOUS hair stylist :) said...

first of all...i love you! you are the most amazing mother i have ever seen with her child. i mean this from the bottom of my heart. you have given me so much insight on what i want to do in my life about children! i am so lucky to have some one like you! you're like my kelly! i know that God will give you the strength do the right thing! i really think you will do well with another little pfaffl! gah look at this amazing, loving, little genius baby! i love you all my little pfaffl family! you are a blessing from God, and i know even though you can't always see it, Landon is so blessed to have you!!!!

Kim said...

Our decision to have a second baby was SO much harder than our decision to have our first...and we had a great experience with my first pregnancy, although the birth experience wasn't what I wanted (why I went with a midwife for Sophie's pregnancy and birth!). I worried about so many things from something going wrong during my pregnancy to how Jack would react to a sibling to how we would afford a name JUST a few! So I can only imagine how difficult it must be to make this decision when you had some true struggles that you don't want to go through again. Since I can't even pretend to understand what you went through, I won't tell you to stop worrying (as much as I would like to :)! I do know that what you worry about and put your focus on you tend to attract to your experience (the whole Law of Attraction!), but I also know that givng up the worry is easier said than done!

I can say that my second pregnancy/birth/postpartum time was much easier than my first. I don't know if this is true for you, but I knew nothing of attachment parenting when Jack was born, so those early months were a huge learning experience for me and I did go through some "baby blues" during that time when I was struggling with doing things more naturally while I had the pressure of doing things more mainstream. With Sophie I was confident from the beginning and didn't experience that anxiety, and that made a huge difference. Her pregnancy and birth were also world's apart from Jack's. What I'm trying to say is the second time around (or third or fourth!) is different than the first, and what was true then won't necessarily be true again. I found what was most helpful was focusing on the experience I wanted to have and doing what was in my power to help that come to be.

The thing that has struck me the most in the short time that I've known you is what an amazing, loving mom you are to Landon, and any future children you decide to bring into your family will be so incredibly lucky. You'll find your way through this!!