Friday, June 13, 2008

A Little Clarity in the Confusion

As many of you know, I have been in big time planning mode for baby #2 for the last few months. Our whole house has been. Even Landon asks Andy and me when we are going to have a baby at our house. He talks about holding his baby and feeding it and taking care of it in the most loving, big-brother-ly way....It breaks my heart! Anyways, it's been a long road and we haven't reached our destination yet. Here's the basic recap and update:
After a terrible pregnancy and recovery and YEARS of visits to every kind of specialist known to man (cardiologists, neurologists, etc.) I found my way to the Creighton Model method of NFP (which I thought would NEVER happen in a million years!!!). My instructor quickly became my spiritual guide, confidante, and the answer to many prayers. She referred me to a wonderful doctor an hour away from here (an NFP practitioner OB/GYN--Yay!) who made sense of eight months (at the time) of cycle charts, diagnosed me with hypothyroidism (6.75 TSH for those of you who know what I'm talking about), an ectropion cervix (not as bad as it sounds) and a luteal phase defect (not enough progesterone to sustain a pregnancy) and prescribed me Synthroid and bioidentical progesterone to put me back to normal. At the time of diagnosis, so many things seemed clear. I was on cloud nine for about two days. After all, I had probably found the reason my pregnancy with Landon was such a nightmare...why miscarriage has been a problem...why I feel like crap all the time...All I had to do was take these two little prescriptions and all would be well....WELLLLLL, I read some pamphlets and chickened out of taking the meds for the first cycle and by the time I finally talked myself into going ahead with treatment, I had a bigger problem on my hands. A big, red vein-like line started to appear on my inner thigh (along with some scary pain) and three doctors (and three weeks) later talks of my having either a DVT or some kind of deep vein varicosities are floating around me. I am going to have a Doppler scan done soon (but not soon enough!) so they can find the specific problem. Meanwhile, I "have" to sit here, imagining all of the bad things that could happen to me, trying to pray, but feeling nothing. I have made myself absolutely miserable. My doctor has told me that if this is a DVT, I will not be allowed to take the progesterone that would enable me to carry a baby. Great. Of COURSE! On top of that, if it's a varicosity, being pregnant certainly wouldn't be a picnic (not that it ever is). The doctor I saw today told me , "Weeellllllll, this is what happens when you have babies!" (all sing-songy) Nice. Thanks. I told her I was thinking about having a second baby and she gave me a disapproving "you're a moron" kind of look. Just what I needed at that point. My mind is whirling with questions like, "Is this God trying to tell me to adopt?" (Just in case, I signed up for an adoption workshop that starts July 1st) "To give up once and for all and be happy with one child?" "If God does want me to have another child, why doesn't he make it a little easier for me?" "Why now?" "Why this?" (Yeah, I know, it sounds dumb)....And all of this just happens to be happening when I am smack in the middle of a miserable, months-long spiritual crisis...My own crappy Dark Night of the Soul. *big self-pitying sigh*

**I have been feeling soooo sorry for myself today--I am getting sick of hearing myself whining and worrying out loud to anyone within hearing range. UGH!**

BUT, tonight, I was browsing the internet for information on deep varicose veins and DVTs and I accidentally bumped into yet ANOTHER Jennifer's blog (We Jennifer's are taking over--muhahaha!). Somehow, I found this person, this STRANGER who had answers for me on just about everything. I poured through her blog posts like a madwoman, soaking it all up and eventually crying that "This-is-just-what-I-needed-cry" (you know the one). Not only is this girl's name Jennifer, she even had a DVT herself! She's also a Catholic convert, a mom, a questioner and ponderer, and an (ex)worrywart. My long lost twin?? ;o) Her blog covered anything and everything I have been tossing around in my mind for the last few months and, after reading some of it, I feel like I can breathe again. Her blog seemed like my own voice from the past, reasoning with me...She said all of the things I would have said when I could still think and trust and relax.

Are there really any such things as accidents?...

I'll leave you all with this quote I borrowed from one of Jennifer F's blog posts:

"It is a blessed secret this, of living by the day. Any one can carry his burden, however heavy, till nightfall. Anyone can do his work, however heavy, till nightfall. Anyone can do his work, however hard, for one day. Anyone can live sweetly, patiently, lovingly, purely, until the sun goes down. And this is all life ever means to us - just one little day. "Do today's duty; fight today's temptations, and do not weaken or distract yourself by looking forward to things you cannot see and could not understand if you saw them." God gives us nights to shut down upon our little days. We cannot see beyond. Short horizons make life easier and give us one of the blessed secrets of brave, true, holy living."

Oh, and PS) Pray, please...I think I could use some right about now. Merci Beaucoup!


Mandy said...

I am so sorry that you have to deal with all of this. I am praying for you. Hang in there!

Aunt Jess said...

big fat hug to you!!! i want to see you soon!

Jennifer F. said...

Thank you so much for your kind words!! It sounds like we have a lot in common.

Also, shoot me an email if you get a chance (the link is on my profile). I have some thoughts on Doppler scans and leg pains and DVT's that I'd love to tell you about but are a bit long and rambling for your combox. :)

Glad to have found your blog!

Stacey said...

"Weeellllllll, this is what happens when you have babies!"

RAAAAWWWWRRRR I HATE YOU SHUT UP. Dang it, people like that make me crazy. "Life is so easy! All of your problems can be summed up in one cliched phrase!"

I'm really, really glad you're getting clarity. This whole thing is so lame. Why CAN'T it be easy for us?

Andrea said...

Jen you are always in my prayers and I can't imagine going through any of the issues you are going through. I know it's hard to think of but God has a bigger plan even if you can't see it now. I will have to check out the blog you mentioned at a later time - I'm just trying to get baby girl asleep right now. Thanks for keeping us updated. *hugs*